Open Journal/Thoughts to share

Hello! This is Amora’s brain after a shower.

Trying to write something that I am going to press publish almost made my thoughts freeze. How it has been normal to show up with a brave face and acting everything is always fine even though things are not. Answering everything is good when it's not. This has put my feelings in a confused mode and it is difficult to reflect sometimes as compared to MANY other human beings my life is so blessed and I should be grateful! However, reflection and honesty is a pathway to learn and better ourselves so I am learning here to allow myself to feel the pain, put it in words and give myself the chance to make things even better so when I am on the other side I have much more to be grateful about and share that energy.

I felt very empty and sad as my three year old relationship with my partner seems a little dull, a little grey at the moment. I miss the ‘Missing you is so difficult’, ‘come backkkk’, ‘i love you’, texts. I miss when my boyfriend took me out to see the cool places in his city and how we made out at these places and had so much fun. I miss how my boyfriend surprised me with an indoor picnic and when he carried me to the couch or to the bed and we cuddled.

Thinking about this stuff also makes me think that how he has been by my side when I needed him the most, how he saved me from trouble and lets me take a shower first. I am realising that communication is our weakness. He is a quiet person and has trust issues. He is open to working on our weaknesses in little steps which makes me happy yet also sad as I am missing ‘living’ the life. DOING stuff, being playful and spontaneous, miss how he gave me a little flower when we went out on a walk when things were still new. Could be our relationship is at a growth spurt. It is possible that we may come out on the other side more stronger, more romantic, more happier with each other. Our relationship requires time and effort. Our relationship requires love and belief that good things happen. It requires giving a person a chance to show they care and allowing them to be human — unperfect. I require strength and belief. I require to achieve the happiness that I am able to provide for myself. I require to allow myself to be, to know myself better.

It has been a lifelong struggle to believe that I am worthwhile.. to believe in myself. Therefore, all I want to do is a little something everyday for myself. That makes me happy! That gives me joy without feeling guilty. That is just for me. Now, I have not figured out what it is that I will do everyday that will give me joy but I am allowing myself that I will know, I will be led; by me, for me and it will be the magic that pours in so much love and so much good energy. It will be nice to be seen, especially by myself. The nugget of joy for my soul! ❤